Typology of betrayal: causes, goals, feelings

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Treason occurs for various reasons – and are accompanied by various experiences. It is better to understand what exactly happens in case of infidelity, our experts help.

Marriage relations and civil unions suggest sexual exclusivity of relations. It is this condition that makes partners special, unique to each other. It also creates the prerequisites for safe affection – one that gives a sense of security and confidence and does not bring pain. And violation of the agreement on sexual exclusivity leads to destructive consequences. Nevertheless, betrayal occurs. However, the causes of them are different – like those experiences that arise in pairs. System family therapist Inna Khamitova talks about the classification of treason, which is offered by the psychologist and family consultant Scott Wuli (Scott R.Wooley).

1. Romantic treason

It is based on fantasies and often occurs when we create a new relationship in order to avoid solving the problems that we associate with our family, work, and relationships. We run away into a fantasy in which, it seems to us, we are understood at first sight, breathing. “We went on a wedding trip to Venice,” says 32-year-old Anna. – We decided to ride on the gondolas, and when the gondolier gave me a hand, I immediately felt the electricity that ran between us “. Anna decided that she fell in love, found him on the Internet (it turned out that there was a site of gondoliers), began to write letters to him. Finally he arrived. The first meeting was held as in a magical dream. But with the second it became clear that there was nothing in common between them, and even sex stopped attracting. Soon they parted with relief.

The majority of resort novels change to this type: we meet with a stranger (a sense of unknown is intensified, if there is a language barrier between us), we have no responsibility, and the attraction arose against this background is poured into a fantasy about a special understanding. But this does not mean that any fantasy betrayal is fleeting. Some live in double years for many years. More often this happens to men, because they are easier to tolerate. 56-year-old Igor has a stable relationship with his wife, which he has been married to 25 years old, while the last 10 years he also has a mistress with whom he has a pleasant feeling that “they understand me”. An intellectual correspondence is with his wife, and with his mistress enchanting sex – that is, understanding refers precisely to this area. Essentially, Igor is not close to any of the women: he has no trust with his wife, and the mistress does not suit him intellectually. With treason of this type, there is often a feeling of guilt: “I break in two, I do not know what to do”.

2. Protest treason

Such betrayal occurs when relations with a permanent partner are tense, there are many mutual insults or a big distance. The partner does not feel understanding, responsiveness from the other: instead, he feels his closeness, emotional inaccessibility. As a reaction, a feeling of protest, anger, resentment arises. It is they who expresses treason: “If you are so, then here you are!”

The cheating may not feel that the partner is important for him: constant relations lose value, there is a desire to justify his behavior by the behavior of another: “He does not sleep with me. She doesn’t strok a shirt to me “. 30-year-old Alexei explains his betrayal as follows: “The wife does not care about me, I ask her to be placed, and she immediately begins to wave a broom, and I have an allergy to dust”. However, he does not say anything to his wife. Protest treason can occur when one of the partners has accumulated a lot of anger, which he does not express in pairs. In this case, the cheating does not blame himself – he has all responsibility on his partner.

3. Betrayal to attract attention

Ending an illegitimate relationship, the partner is trying to make another be jealous. Perhaps he is not sure of his importance for another and tries to check how much he is valued, while he is often afraid to be left. Relations on the side in this case are not hidden too carefully –

accounts are found in the pockets, in computers – intimate correspondence. This behavior seems to say to the second partner: “Look, I am important for someone, someone appreciates me, flirts with me, makes me compliments, look and you-you can lose me!”. This kind of betrayal speaks, paradoxically, about the importance of existing relations.

Personality typology: “My friend is a spilled Taurus!”

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From the moment a person began to try to know himself and the relatives surrounding him, he leaves no attempts to lay out people on the shelves. Because the truth is – in life we meet similar in behavior, views or even the appearance of people. Spontaneous, everyday classifications are formed in the mind, expressed in phrases like “I know this type, they always behave like that”.

On what grounds they did not try to distinguish between psychological types! According to liquids in the body (the same four types of temperament), according to external physical data and marks (phrenology, palmistry, the typology of Krechmer and Sheldon), according to the specifics of nervous activity (Pavlov typology). In modern psychology and psychiatry, there are a lot of different typologies by which they tried and try to “sort” the psychological characteristics of people. One of the most popular in psychiatry is the typology of the psychopathic characters of Gannushkin, in psychology-the typology of the accentuations of Leongard Lichko (however, it is greatly connected with Gannushkin). Of the near -scientific typologies, socionics is most famous, from the unscientific – astrological.

A distinctive feature of scientific typologies is their relativity and limitation. They do not claim an all -winging characteristic of the personality, being for the most part private. That is, for the foundation of the typology, some sign or a set of signs is taken, and people are “ranked” by them, while there is a clear understanding that there are many other psychological characteristics of people outside the typology.
And here is one trap. A person far from disputes and discussions around different typologies does not take into account this feature – relativity and limitation. However, the experts themselves often forget about this. Wonderful Russian biologist a. Markov said this about the features of our thinking: “You can’t half rush into battle or half run away … because of the need to constantly make unambiguous decisions, our thinking works“ categorically ”: we are now and then trying to find clear boundaries between concepts, including there.where they really are not, and divide the continuous row (continuum) into segments, gluing words-brights to them ”.

The problem of typology in biological science is perfectly illustrated by the following incident: “To draw a clear line, to find a point in the time when the biological evolution of hominids gave way to cultural, it is impossible. In the same way as it is impossible to accurately indicate the moment when the “inhuman monkey” turned into “human”. This is a purely conditional case and, in truth, rather meaningless: it is like trying to absolutely accurately establish an amount from which “little money” turns into “a lot of money”.
In psychology – the same. There are no clear boundaries between psychotypes, they smoothly flow into each other, mix, create new combinations – in full accordance with the interference of genes (natural foundation) and cultural influences (education, personal experience) in our souls. However, you can make an amendment. In people with a pronounced deviation from the norm, psychotypes are represented very clearly and they are easy to recognize. One of the main criteria for deviations from a healthy psyche is strict stereotype behavior. No wonder the typology of Gannushkin and Leongard Lichko are based on deviations. People with personal disorders in many of their manifestations are quite monotonous and standard (but also not 100%). The more healthy a person is mentally, the more difficult it is to put him in the framework of some classification, and if possible, with a large number of “but”. Well, or you can just ignore what does not “correspond”.

Francois Lelor, Christoph Andre

“He is a schizophrenic. How to communicate with difficult people “

French psychotherapists Francois Lelor and Christoph Andre describe ten types of “difficult people”: those who are too dependent, focused on themselves, self -confident, or, conversely, tend to underestimate themselves, is easy to see, pedantic, constantly criticizes others or strongly needs their attention.

But what about situations when a person says: “My friend is a spilled Taurus!”, Or” It is definitely suitable for the type of information metabolism “Robespierre” (this is in socionics)? In this situation, two factors are involved: this is a “comprehensive” typology that explains everything about a person, as well as hanging a rigidly defined type – a label. The label has a bilateral effect. On the one hand, he affects the perception of another person-our consciousness/unconscious begins to simply “cut off” all the excess that does not fit into the stereotype. On the other hand, a person who agrees with the proposed/hung lamp, himself begins to adapt to the typology, make “cut -off”, but already with himself. In the role of a type-yarlyk, anything can act. On behalf of the blood type.
There are situations when the inconsistency of the person with the selected “under it” type is so strong that the consciousness cannot ignore it. Then the desire for simplification acquires a new form – a combination of types is introduced. “You are 60% such and

such, and the remaining 40% are explained by this type”. But in fact, these reservations are recognition of the limited typology, its functioning in the narrow range. The more “but” you have to enter (for example, invent a combination of three or four types), the more helpless the typology becomes helpless. Its practical meaning is lost.

But this circumstance rarely confuses those who are very committed to the hard typification of people. There may be several reasons for this:

  • The typology facilitates the perception of oneself and others.
  • The typology eliminates a significant part of the anxiety and stress, which can be caused by communication with a new, unfamiliar person (pick up a type for him – and will become clear how to communicate with it).
  • The ability to “typ in” creates a sense of own insight, mind, its difference from other people. With the view of a person who knows all the secrets of being, you can indulge in the illusion of what you know what is happening in the soul of another person.
  • Rejoice yourself to some comprehensive type means that you are already prescribed feelings, hobbies, meanings of life (and even illness). The eternal “search for oneself” is removed, a template is given, which is much easier to follow.

Freedom is the absence of an external structure, but this absence is an eternal, initial source of internal stress, which can be eliminated either by independent structure of the structure, or the search for a suitable external (that is, refusal of freedom). In this context, typologization can have a pronounced psychotherapeutic effect, which any external structure has if a person does not have his own, internal.
So we can say in conclusion? Typologize health, it can be quite a fascinating activity. But do not forget that a healthy or at least a relatively healthy person has a bad habit not to fit into the framework outlined for it.

“In search of ourselves, we are simply doomed to change”

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The call to “find yourself”, familiar today by a lot, confuses me a little by the very formulation of the question. It implies something static, unchanging, something that can be found once – and calm down. But it is hardly like that.

More precisely, people with a very stable “I”, of course, exist. But the irony is that these are just people who are practically not concerned about searching for themselves. And those who think a lot about the search for themselves are simply doomed to change. This is a paradox that can be formulated in the spirit of ancient Greek apia. Knowing himself, no one will remain the way he was. Consequently, having done work on knowledge of himself, a person inevitably changes – and must do the same work again, and so to infinity.

For most of the twentieth century, psychology tried to find the essence of the personality in stable and unchanging structures, types and character traits, attitudes. However, dynamic structures come to the fore. Ensuring a combination of personality stability and variability, its ability not so much to adapt to a constant environment, but to adequately respond to variability, complexity and uncertainty. Thus, psychology is increasingly tended to consider the personality not as something frozen and motionless. Back in the middle of the last century, the American psychologist Gordon AllPort said that a person is more likely a process than a finished product. And already in our time, the main principles of dynamic understanding of the personality are formulated by my Russian colleagues. Alexander Asmolov owns a minted formula: “A changing personality in a changing world”. And Lyudmila Antsiferova is an equally aphoristic rule: “Change yourself without changing yourself”.

Viktor Frankl wrote that if a person wants to find himself, then his path lies through the world. Bearing in mind that the most essential for characterizing the personality is its relationship with the world, with what is significant for a person, including attitude to his own life. And this puts forward the concept of meaning. Interestingly, until about 2000 it was rejected by academic psychology. Then it was nevertheless accepted by it, and in recent years, a uniform boom arose around this concept. Over 5 years, more fundamental books have been published in the leading academic publishers of the world on the problems of meaning than in the previous 30. The meaning is what connects us with the world. Like different aspects of the world among themselves. Using the brilliant metaphor of Antoine de Saint-Exupery, the meaning is a “divine node connecting things among themselves”.

Therefore, a search for yourself, in my opinion, is primarily a search for meaning. The search for what is significant for me in this world and how this significant fits into wider contexts of life. This applies to other people, work and other activities, a place of residence or stay, and so on. We can only find ourselves in what is significant for us. And we can’t – that we do not care. Supposedly stable features of our character and mental warehouse, which we are used to calling the word “I”, may change – provided that this is really important for us. And meanings cannot but change throughout life at all. Only the meanings that are loaded in the form from an external source do not change – whether it is religious dogmas or installations of mass culture. Which, unlike traditional culture, does not help to reveal the meanings, but arbitrarily appoints them: “This season wear green, not red, buy cars such and such, and not another brand”. Why? No answer. This is the arbitrarily appointed meanings. And with the development of the consumer society of such imposed meanings, of course, more became more. But people who are arranged are quite difficult, cannot exist for a long time in the conditions of imposed meanings, the question “why” forces them to go beyond the appointed framework.

It will be heard that in today’s popularity searches of oneself is partly guilty and psychology. Indeed, the names of many popular books promise today happiness to those who find themselves. But I can

say that books devoted to searching for oneself existed since ancient times. You can recall, for example, Plato, Blessed Augustine or Thomas Aquinas. The fact that today these searches have moved to the field of mass culture and have become the subject of almost imposition – these are the problems of the mass culture itself. This process has started somewhere since the beginning of the twentieth century. And is rather a simplified adaptation of what was originally addressed to the minority, under the market standards of the “goods” aimed at wide masses. But by and large, even if the search for yourself can be considered a fashion, then this is a fashion more good. As a fashion for physical education, for example. Want to be healthy and look good – go and do. No – your business, no one will throw a stone in you. The same with self -knowledge, searching for yourself. Want to develop – look. By the way, in mind that these searches, like playing sports, are also work. And far from always simple.

  • To protect myself, I attacked
  • How I lived for seven days without complaining about life

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Typology of fathers, or how to educate a man?

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The period of the boy’s love to his mother is the most important point. This is an initiation in masculinity, the awakening of attraction to the object of the opposite sex, the time of strong vulnerability. During this period, a father should be near the child. A father who can love to understand the child that his mother belongs to him, and a son – many other women. Unfortunately, not all fathers understand this. And this is what comes of it.

The essence of the harmonious passage of the Oedipus complex is the recognition of the father’s power and the period of experience of the impossibility of being the chosen one of the mother. This divides the boy’s life into “before” – a merging with his mother, the desire to return to the on -home period, and “after”, when, being separated from his mother, he can become autonomous and in the future to possess women as a man, and not as a son who is inSearch for a mergers with mother.

For this, it is necessary that the father is ready to accept his son in the period of such a necessary, but difficult confrontation. Therefore, a man needs to ask himself questions: “What was my father and what father I will be?”

Last father

Such a father may well be present physically, appear at home, live with a family in the same apartment, but he is not emotionally. Family for him is like furniture, he did not take on his paternal role, leaving her mother or another man.

The son of the missing father feels abandoned, abandoned. Father threw it – it means that he does not deserve attention. Such experiences create a base for low self -esteem. Acutely in need of his father, the boy will either choose the performers of his role from his environment, or will create a completely fictional image.

When the father is absent, the necessary confrontation can occur in the symbolic field. The son is angry that he was abandoned, he forms the image of the Father-Zlodeus. Subsequently, this image will see him in the surrounding men, especially in the authorities.

In terms of sexuality, the son of an absent father will experience difficulties with the manifestation of strength and masculinity, fear of women is possible, and erection disorders are often. Partners often say to such a man that he is too soft and gentle, or they cannot truly feel his presence, involvement in the process. It is sometimes difficult for such men to remain faithful to the chosen one.

The key to compensating for the lack of a father is his own paternity, when a man is truly engaged in his son, generously shares his time, attention, love. The presence of a male mentor, mentor in the life of a man who teaches to live the hardships of life, filling them with meaning can also help.

The prohibiting father

Super -stripped father performs the symbolic castration of his son: only he allows himself to enjoy life, forbidding his son the most important thing is to grow up. While all the power is with the father, the son remains a little boy in captivity of prohibitions. His father deprives him of the opportunity to correlate himself with others, to feel his value. Surrounding always seem more worthy to him.

Such restrictions can begin to pursue a son in all areas of life: in relations with women – continuous taboos, risking in business – also not for him. The issue of masculinity remains a painful and poorly mastered territory. Such men do not feel independent, it is extremely difficult for them to make decisions, relying only on their opinion.

Men of this type are especially tormented by jealousy: all without exception seem more worthy rivals to him. Depending on the number of prohibitions and how cruel the father was, the sexual characteristics of such men will be different. The sons of prohibiting fathers have an erection disorder or premature ejaculation, and this strikes (and not one) on self -esteem. Often such men prohibit something to their chosen one: they limit her circle of communication, they choose outfits themselves.

One of the most important roles of his father is to build a clear and understandable framework in relations with his son. This is the basis of education. However, it is important to do this in the interests of the son. Guided by the desire of the authorities, the desire to subordinate, to teach his son, it is easy to turn into a prohibiting father.

Cruel father

Many men demonstrate masculinity through a manifestation of cruelty. However, a cruel father is a serious obstacle to the future formation of a man. Scenes of violence and humiliation from childhood are preserved in memory for life, and those around them seem terrible, unprincipled, capable of cruelty. It is for this reason that many men are afraid to become fathers. It seems to them that the father, this raging “clot of cruelty” is captured in them at the cellular level, and this monster at any moment can go to the forefront, which means that the nightmare will be repeated from childhood.

Self -asserting at the expense of his son, the cruel father in the bud kills masculinity in him. The boy has only two ways of behavior: to bend before his father’s cruelty or rebel against her with all fury. Bending, he plunges into a pool of shame and self -abasement. Roofing, turns into a lump of nerves,

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constant internal stress.

Depending on the selected path and sexuality will develop accordingly. In the first case, a decrease in sexual temperament is possible, in the second – the idealization of a woman, her perception as inaccessible, up to obsessive sexual practices. Any obstacles bring such a man out of balance.

At the cost of a long and painstaking internal work, the sons of cruel fathers are able to find peace in a new family, in relations with loved ones, to learn how to live in joy, and not in the zone of constant hostilities.